Daddy Issues Image
Illustration by Nina Walker

Daddy Issues

By Yoanna Kollin

I am not happy.

I am not Joyous, or gleeful, or even remotely good.

How am I supposed to feel when someone loves me, but doesn't accept me? When

that someone is your father and that lack of acceptance will never fall short. How

am i supposed to feel when i am not seen

When I am here the whole time.

When I look in the mirror, I see a reflection of the woman I am.

While my father will only see the person I used to be, nothing more. Nothing less.

I am comfortable and content with who I am.

But I never asked for the body that I came with.

 

I like being fem and people recognizing me as a girl. I like when people accept me.

I like when people call me by my name

When people use my pronouns, when they say miss or mam.

I am happy.

I am joyous and gleeful, and not even remotely sad.

I just want to be accepted and I want my dad to know who I am and I want him to embrace me and I

want him too accept me I just want him to accept me God damn it

I just want him to accept me.

 

But what good is praying for something that will never happen.

I've never had the best relationship with my dad, especially not in recent years and that's largely

due to the fact that he doesn't know how to accept me.

 

And it's gotten to the point where some nights, i can't even fall asleep

He says he loves me, but doesn't show it.

He never not once used my pronouns

And a little bird told me that he would only use my pronouns once i officially transition, whatever

the fuck that means.

I already officially transitioned. I changed my name and my pronouns, hence the transition.

 

But my dad doesn't believe in an in between gender identity.

In my father's eyes it's male and female and that's it.

And it's only transmale and transfemale if you get bottom surgery

He will never see me as his daughter and that's what makes me so heartbroken.

 

So, do I love my dad?

It's weighted.

I don't know how to love my dad since he doesn't know how to accept me.

What hurts the most is that There is so much potential for so much love for this relationship But

because he doesn't know how to accept me I can't give him the love

the love that should be there.

 

One of the hardest things about growing up is if your parent doesn't accept you and that causes a lot

of distrust and a lot of anxiety and a lot of depression

 

So i would just like to politely say.

Fuck you Dad. You dumb fucking stupid ass bitch. Fuck you because everytime you had the chance

to learn about my identity, you never listened, not really, because you were so caught up in having to

be "right"

That you tried to tell your own fucking transgender daughter what it means to be transgender.

Go fuck yourself a thousand times over.

 

You do not know what you are talking about.

And you do not have the right to tell me that my identity is wrong.

You are not supposed to be right

you're supposed to be my parent.

That's it. Love/Acceptance the whole thing.

 

I am a transwoman.

My pronouns are she/they

And my name is Yoanna

And I have friends who love me and a mom who accepts me

And an environment where I can be myself

Thank you CSULB for making me feel seen, and for giving me a place to call home.