By Lauren Galvan
It’s that time of year again! We are back on campus and people are starting to ask the big questions. It’s all you hear, “where is the best place to study?” or “where is the best place to worship king Satan?” Well, look no further because you are in luck. For those who have never been to campus or are in need of a refresher, we will go from some of the more well-known spots to ones that only appear to those who are worthy. Here is a rundown of the top-tier places that will help with all your Satan-worshiping needs this semester. Who knows, you might even run into fellow worshipers while checking out these must-visit locations at Long Beach State University.
The Walter Pyramid
This first place is a classic. Everyone knows the infamous Walter Pyramid, but whether or not they know what it is used for is a different story. Yes, of course most people know it as a stadium that houses our basketball team, however, that isn’t the whole truth. If you have ever wondered how they power such an enormous indoor stadium, the answer is simple. Its power comes from the depth of hell itself and was forged to worship the man, the myth, the legend, Satan. It makes sense. Have you heard of the Illuminati? Walter Pyramid is where they all come together for their meetings every month.
Think about it, a huge triangle-shaped building with more than 4,000 seats in it. What else would those seats be used for other than the butts of the Illuminati themselves? All of these factors make this spot a perfect place to worship Satan himself. It is in such a convenient spot. You could stop on your 30-minute walk from the parking lot to class or during your lunch break. It might have a bit of foot traffic, but don’t let that stop you from worshiping your soul away.
So, make sure to hit that basketball court! Oh, and don’t forget your ouija boards!
The Library Basement
From horror movies to your grandparent's creepy house, going into basements is never a good idea. However, we are here for creepy in fact, we live for it. When it comes to worshiping the big man, dark and secluded areas are a must! Don’t be scared… or do. That is kind of the whole point. Our second spot is opposite the Pyramid, the basement of the library gets little to no foot traffic, and is a great spot to get your daily worship count in. I mean, have you ever seen a horror movie that doesn’t have a terrifying basement somewhere in it?
Since the lower level of the library is used for study groups, you will have a big empty space mostly to yourself. One might even say that it is the perfect area to draw your pentagrams. Make sure to bring a pal! After all, this is a group study floor. Which makes this the perfect place to make and bring friends who share the same lifestyle as you. And remember to have fun!
The Performing Arts Theatre
Next up, we have the theatre, the place where the souls of failed acting careers will haunt for eternity. Some say you can still hear the musical theatre majors singing in the hallways, preparing for their big audition.
Hollywood is a hot spot for Satan. It is where all his top clientele come from, so of course, he would love the theatre. In fact, Los Angeles is home to some of the biggest Satanist communities out there. This place is arguably one of the scariest spots on campus. It has a big stage for you to set up your shrine and don't forget to light some candles to set the mood and get into character.
If you are looking for the right place to do a little worship or perhaps a nice spot to sell your soul for a decent acting career, the theater should be your next scene to check out. So if you don’t get the big lead in the next musical, don’t worry about it. Satan’s got your back! And you don’t have to go very far to get in touch with him.
Although this is a bit of a heavy-traffic area, don’t let that discourage you from belting out your love for Satan! Be loud and be proud.
The Sometimes Chair
Finally, if you know the sometimes chair, then you are one of the few, and very lucky, who have been chosen by Satan himself. The chair is an invitation. Every now and then, there is an enchanting chair in a nice little secluded spot under the stairs that overlooks the pool.
If you ever find yourself walking to the upper campus, make sure to look out for it and don’t get discouraged if you can’t find the sometimes chair. It only shows itself to those who are the most dedicated to the King of Hell. If he thinks you are ready, then you will see it. It will call to you and consume you until you finally rest your butt on the most mediocrely amazing chair you have ever rested on.
This one is a little more advanced of a spot, so make sure to try out the other ones listed before venturing to the chair under the stairs. It has never appeared to me, and I am definitely not bitter about it. If you have yet to see it, that should only motivate you to worship harder and dedicate more time to seeking out the dark forces.
If it makes itself known to you, don’t be afraid. All it is is an invitation to worship Lucifer like you never have before, and I envy you for that.
Give them hell! Literally. Give them hell. Raise the dead. Worship the dark lord and have fun while doing it. All hail the dark king!