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Illustration by Marissa Espiritu

Notice to all bus-riding deadbeats

By the Editor of the Grunion, Illustration by Marissa Espiritu

In the weeks after CSULB announced an 800% increase in TAP card fees, students have been calling our offices here at Parking and Transportation Services non-stop to voice their concerns. In the wake of complaints calling this minor price hike a “devastating financial burden” and “crippling” to their monthly budget, the department has decided to put an end to this incessant whining once and for all and explain why such a price hike was necessary.

The TAP program, which cost over $1 million dollars per year to run, generates zero revenue for the university. Those who complain about rising TAP fees are ignorant of the realities of running a business university. What’s the point of doing something if you can’t make money off of it? Every leech who freeloads off the university to take public transit is taking away thousands of dollars in parking permit revenue away from this struggling institution. 

Within the past year alone, the CSU system generated over $1.5 billion dollars in surplus revenue, and CSULB itself made $12 million dollars last year from parking alone. The uncultured peasants who attend this university may ask, “How can such a thriving institution seriously label themselves as ‘struggling?’” However, why would the university squander a million dollars of precious wealth on a valuable student service when it can spend $12 million dollars on beautifying the school? Why subsidize bus fare if students are being forced to feast their eyes on outdated architecture and tacky exposed brick?

How can the university support our dear leader Jane Close Conoley without courting wealthy students? No self-respecting patrician would dare step foot on a campus that lacks the sophistication and class of well-kept gardens and modern, see-through buildings. If anything, the university is doing its most important students a favor by keeping all the poor, bus-taking degenerates out of this campus. 

However, students have voiced other concerns that go beyond money. Many have even gone as far as to accuse the university of going back on their commitment to sustainability. But has anyone ever considered the fact that a bus is really just a big car? It releases more emissions per mile than a midsize vehicle. Students who are actually concerned about the environment can just go buy themselves a Tesla. The extra revenue from the increased TAP fees can help subsidize more parking structures to house these vehicles. The staff at Parking and Transportation Services hope that, by 2030, parking structures outnumber classrooms 10:1. 

Therefore, to all the plebian bus-dwellers who dare criticize the university’s decision to increase TAP fees: you can walk to school. 

Warm regards,

Parking, Parking and more Parking Services