Image by Patrick Daugherty
Illustrated by Patrick Daugherty

You've Gobbled Your Last Gool, Christopher Columbus

By Caroline Smith

We can all agree that Columbus is a punk bitch. It makes absolutely no sense to celebrate that genocidal colonizer. And yet on October 11, much of America still does.

When people want to defend Columbus day without outright admitting that they’re a bigot, they like to fall back on the Italian argument. Apparently, Columbus day is a source of pride for Italians. The holiday has been around since 1792, a time when Italians were marginalized immigrants and they had pride in an American holiday celebrating an Italian.

However as an Italian myself, I think that is very stupid. There are much better, less genocide-y Italians that could be celebrated. These are the quintessential Italian-Americans:

  1. Stanley Tucci

    This man has done it all: “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Easy A,” “The Hunger Games,” “Captain America,” and “Kit Kittridge.” Every role he’s in is golden. Not only that, but his series “Searching for Italy,” where he explores authentic Italian foods and culture, has been essential viewing in Italian-American homes during quarantine across the country. You gotta love the Tooch.

  2. Danny DeVito

    What isn’t there to love about this bulbous senior citizen? The most memeable man is also an American treasure. Aside from being Harry Wormwood in “Matilda” and Frank Reynolds in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” he also passes as that great uncle you see at parties that is gonna give you wine and tell you its grape juice.

  3. Marissa Tomei

    From “My Cousin Vinny” to Spider-man’s aunt, she is and forever will be reigning supreme in the world of Italian women. She has the voice you hear in your head gossiping about cousin Maria and telling you to sit up straight during mass.

  4. Luca and Alberto

    This one is specifically for the LGBTQ+ Italians. I understand they’re not Italian-American, but neither was Columbus (also this is my piece, don’t tell me what to do). These little gay fishboys are just as worthy of celebration. They like vespas, they eat pasta, they turn into sea monsters- things all Italians relate to. I mean yes, art is subjective, but c’mon.

  5. Dr. Anthony Faucci

    Ok this one is less of a joke, but you have to admire the most tired man in America. He truly put in the work during the pandemic and I hope he gets all the appreciation and biscotti he deserves.

To put it simply, Christopher Columbus is not a person that should be celebrated and the holiday is rightfully being pushed out in favor of Indigenous Peoples Day. Italians shouldn’t have to find pride in a colonizer when there are plenty of other people and parts of culture to be proud of.

*This list is not comprehensive. The writer of this piece acknowledges that no one on this list was in “The Godfather,” but frankly she does not care. She lost interest after the wedding scene and went on to watch “Pitch Perfect.”