When Swiping Right Goes Left

Hookup disasters for your amusement

By Erica Roberts, Contributor

What’s luckier than getting lucky? Maybe reading about a few not-so-lucky times from some brave 49ers. I walked around campus and asked several of our peers to share an awkward (but laughable!) hook-up that went a bit south. My research uncovered that so much go wrong during something that feels so right, and that there are some adventurous souls walking among us. Here are a few of them!

"I love ramen. Like, I love it"

MG: This story needs a little background information: I love ramen. Like, I love it. I have a blog dedicated to reviewing different ramen spots that actually has a nice following.  But yeah, I love it.

So yeah, I’m hooking up with this girl in my car on top of a mall parking structure. Things are getting hot and heavy, and she asks me what I want to eat after.  Obviously, I say ramen.

(laughs) Wait, she asked you what you wanted to eat during it?

MG: We were hungry! Anyways, as soon as I say ramen, I get stone-fucking-hard.

What?! (proceeds to die of laughter)

MG: I don’t know why! It was a mix of all the sensations. Things progress and before I know it… I, you know.

But as I do, I let out “ramen.”

Oh. My. God. What did she say?!

MG: I played it off, I told her I said her name, but it was awkward after.

Did you at least go get ramen after?

MG: (scoffs) Of course. Yeah, we got ramen after.

"So, I ended up googling "how-to" videos."

LR: I had a long-time boyfriend in high school, but coming into my freshman year of college, I still had not had sex. I felt insecure, and that only got worse after my boyfriend and I broke up. I was scared to have sex with anyone, especially someone new.

It’s super intimidating!

LR: Exactly! So, I ended up Googling “how-to” videos.

Honestly, Youtube should have a teaching degree.

LR: For real! I click on a video titled, “How to Have Good Sex for Your First Time”–

–Which is impossible.

LR: –Yep! And the girl talking in the video, I’m in my room watching it but there's no sound coming out. I’m furiously clicking the volume on my phone but nothing’s playing.

It was too late before I realized, but earlier I had connected to the living room speaker system to play music.

Nooooooo!

LR: Yep. My mom comes pounding on my door so I open it, and she is just looking at me with a mixture of confusion and anger. I swear I saw a little pity in her eyes.

(laughing) Did you pause the video?

LR: No! It was playing while she started questioning me until she told me to turn it off!

Millennials and their DIY videos.

LR: We had one of those talks and it was all fine, but after that I was in absolutely no rush to have sex.

"I was wilding, I hit up my ex to come over."

AM: I don’t know if this can be considered awkward, but I felt pretty lucky that it happened. I was home alone for a week during the summer while my parents vacationed, and I was feeling a little… sexy.

The summer heat will do that to you, baby!

AM: I was wilding, I hit up my ex to come over.

Girl.

AM: I know, I know! The worst part is that we broke up because he cheated on me.

GIRL!

AM: I was weak!  I saw it as a guaranteed booty-call. I hit him up and he comes over to spend the night. We hook up and wake up all dandy. He heads out that morning and as I’m texting my friends that I made a mistake and slipped up, I hear him come running back and banging on the door. I open it and he immediately is freaking out and is all, “My car got broken into it!”

Karma!

AM: Yes! He broke my heart, someone broke into his car, and I got lucky! It’s petty but I can’t say I felt bad for him. I told him to call AAA and that I would call him an Uber if he needed me to.